i should be grateful, and happy, and instead i am sad, and so homesick it hurts. i hate it that i am feeling this way. i have given myself a pep talk about 1,000 times today and it isn't working. i am trying very hard to see all the good. ashamedly, my faith feels very small right now. if though faintest in the day of adversity, thy strength is small. yip, pretty much sums me up right now. i hate whining and that is what i am doing.
yesterday was a day. one of the longest 24 hours ever. phoebe had two complete and total meltdowns at the hotel. it was scary, sad, frustrating, and many other adjectives! i have no idea what triggered them. it is very scary being in a hotel where you are paranoid that someone could come knocking on your door asking questions about what is going on. i was a mess. one of the other moms came down and helped pull me back together. i know she will be fine; she is just experiencing so many emotions. and she wasn't mad at me afterward. i've read other blogs of parents having gone through similar. but nothing can prepare you. i wish i knew what was going on in her head. i was afraid she would have a meltdown packing everything up, but she was ready to go. she took her backpack and helped pull a suitcase. we had to wait in line at the airport for 2 hours and 45 minutes and she was incredible. and then we get to the counter and were told there were no seats left even though we had tickets. our coordinator stayed with thomas, phoebe, and me while martha went ahead as they already taken her luggage. i was at an emotional low to say the least. she was flawless on the airplane.
hanoi is very smoggy, old, dirty, and depressing which makes it harder to pull myself up by the boot straps. i am so sorry for being this pathetic. greg called last night and said he remembered in china being very low at this stage of the process. i am praying continually that a flight will open up for us to leave tuesday or wednesday instead of friday. my mom used to tell me 'don't wish your days away' and that is what i find myself doing....
phoebe has only had one pretty minor 'event' today :) she quickly came around and that has been great. nothing like this happened the first 3 or 4 days so i was caught off guard.
this hotel is like a mini apartment so we can spread out. and it has a playroom on the fifth floor. we've spent hours there. we bought balloons and played 'keep the balloon in the air' for hours. my little neat-nik plays for short periods and then she must clean up. it has a big ball pit and the balls are everywhere (there are three small rooms comprising the play area). she gets a basket and just picks the balls up and puts them back even though the other kids keep throwing the balls everywhere. she definitely needs to lighten up. she has been sitting on my lap the whole time i've been typing and is just jabbering away and moving the mouse around.
martha brought 'memory matching' cards and she has found the matches over and over and over.
thomas has been a Godsend. i am very grateful to have him to hold at night.
the little shop next door also makes fresh carrot juice :)
thank you for letting me get some emotion out. it stinks being a big weiny. :) xoxoxo, jan
p.s. to smurf -- i can't wait....
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Praying for you!!!! Can't imagine what you are going through being away from home so long. At least you have good friends that you can tell everyone how you are truely feeling. I think everyone understands. Wanted you to know I think about you off and on every day, and am praying hard that you get to come home early. Tell Martha and Thomas hi, and Phoebe that we can't wait to meet her. See you soon!!!!!
ReplyDeleteLydia
Oh Jan! I'm so sorrry you are having these bad moments. I remember well those meltdowns...Lucy had them too. It is so discouraging. Even the most seasoned parent feels helpless and lost. But as you know, it does get better. Sweet Phoebe is so scared and unsure of what comes next. I pray that she is quickly learning to trust you and feel secure in your arms.
ReplyDeleteLove you,
Lori
Jan, I'm praying for you. Times are hard but GOD is good, perfect and everlasting!
ReplyDeleteLove you, Suz
Jan,
ReplyDeleteMy heart just hurts for you right now. I know being away is so hard. We are praying for you (and everyone) and thinking of you often. Now I will give you a little homework, look up Matthew 11:28.
xoxo, Penny
Dear Weiny ~ 1. Remember you are wrapped in a bun which is a bun of love from Him and all of us (did I make you smile?) 2. When your soul clings to the dust, you are revived by God’s Word / Psalm 119:25. 3. And, a thought from Jesus in Blue Jeans by Laurie Beth Jones – try humming . . . “Studies show that heart rate, respiration, and brain waves actually slow down, muscles relax, and stress-related hormones diminish . . . when focusing the mind on a sound.” Just start humming. Love you always and forever.
ReplyDeleteJan,
ReplyDeleteJust want you to know I have been praying for all of you. I am so sorry I haven't posted a comment until now. Your hubby & Cathy Wells told me how to post a comment today. You know how ignorant I am when it comes to the computer. God is so good!! Phoebe is darling, can't wait to meet your little neat nik. God has brought you this far, he will get you through, I am praying for your home sickness....it won't be long now. Love you!!
Catina
Dear Jani, As I warned you before you left, I'm new at this blogging thing...so forgive me for not commenting sooner. I hope you've felt the prayers, though; it's been so wonderful to share your pictures and blog with my co-workers, friends at the church office and others in my daily life that have been hearing about my newest neice! We're all cheering for you and continue to pray daily until you are all home safely. Remember, only morons are happy all the time :) and you're far from being a moron. Enjoy the warmth...God faithfully is providing us with a cold January here, but not too much snow/ice so I'm content. Please hug Thomas for me. I've so enjoyed seeing him and Phoebe together in the pics. Does Phoebe speak any English? I know she's learning quickly, especially the word no. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxooooooooooooooo pammer
ReplyDeleteHi Jan,
ReplyDeleteThis is a very rough part of the trip....so many expectations and emotions leading up to the trip and then reality happens when you are in an environment that you are not familar with. It does get better and the days will fly...I promise. I spent most of my life waiting for a daughter and when I got mine, I was so sad. It was not her but being away from home and my other children; living out of a suitcase and eating unusual food. And to top it off, a little girl who was clueless with how to behave and was scared. It really is a lot to handle when you really think about it. I brought my little Parker along which was wonderful! It does get better. But, the last thing you need to do is feel bad that your faith is lower at this point. Let yourself grieve alittle and make sure you take care of yourself. Let your little guy be there for you and hold him tight. And if Pheobe lets you hold her...just hold her tight. I am praying for you....this whole situation and experience will pass. When you are home and see Phoebe having her little events, you will be able to emphasize with her because you were also in a difficult environment where no one could speak your language or understand your situation. Ok, now I am rambling so I will let you go. Take care and hurry home.
Love,
Wendy
Jan--there is not much else to say that has not already been stated, but I want you to know that I think you have a greater purpose over there in Hanoi than even just getting the rest of the "papers" in order for Phoebe. Who knows what lives you are impacting while you are there...plus, I think this gives you some incredible insight into the beginning stages of every missionary who first goes to the field. The homesickness, the frustration, the strangeness, and just clinging to the ones around you that you know and love. I know that you are connected so much with them, but I think it only increases the prayer time for families like the Clarks and the Pitts who will soon be experiencing this when they reach the field...only they won't be coming home for several years!
ReplyDeleteI love you tons, and I am so thankful to be bringing you before the throne of God each day! AND I definitely can't wait to see you whenever God lets you come home!!! Okay...so this was rambling... love, Brittney
Jan~
ReplyDeleteI hope you enjoy the rest of your trip and i hope you will be able to leave early!!!! I want you to know that i am prayin for you!!!Just remember in these hard times that GOD never gives you more than you can handle!
xoxo love always~ anna arthur
From one mom who adopted an older toddler to another. My heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteI remember traveling with other familes that got young children and them looking at me like I was a mean mom. One of the girls we adopted (we adopted two) would hit me and bite me all day long and I would just sob and wonder if I had done the right thing.
The only advice I can give is to tell you to find something that calms you. I would sing, church hymns out loud. Now 2 years later that is her favorite thing, is to rock with me and listen to me sing. (no I do not sing good)
Keep praying and know that others have been there too. YOu are not alone but you are the only mom that is perfect for her and that can help her, reach out to her and teach her to trust and love.
christie