do not lose heart....

i think she just realized there was an extra kid :)

another random post.... sorry. i am doing this blog for a couple of reasons. primarily, it is for phoebe. it gives her a history, and a glimpse of a past, a past that i can only recapture a piece of -- the piece since she grew in our hearts. it is also an easy way for family and friends to see pictures. and it helps me. selfish, i know, but it does. writing forces you to put your thoughts onto paper and acknowledge they are real. maybe not right, not justified, not whatever, but they are there. to everything there is a purpose, and a season, and we are in a season of change.

we've been home a week and there have been many, many wonderful moments. i thank God for each one of them because they make taking the not-so-wonderful moments a little easier :) part of my devotion today for friday, january 30th, 2009 was this -- "in due season, we shall reap if we do not lose heart" from galatians 6:9. i KNOW that He isn't caught off guard by phoebe's meltdowns. i KNOW He is not surprised by them evoking many emotions in me. i KNOW He will use them for good, to grow both her and me. i told a good friend yesterday, part of the struggle is not really knowing her. can you really know someone in three weeks? her behavior is random (note to self: why does that sound familiar?) which makes me somewhat on pins and needles, never knowing what to expect. BUT, this is not about me. it is about HIM first and phoebe second. and for crying out loud (bad pun...), like i just said it has only been three weeks. i've heard the statistic that it takes as many months to adjust to a new family as they were in the orphanage. we've got a long way to go before we see any real adjustment i think. i remember distinctly two things early on when we adopted sarah, neither am i proud of....calling a friend explaining that i was about to go crazy with this little girl who could push buttons in me that i didn't even know existed and secondly, emailing our travel group and asking if anyone else was experiencing similar behavior that we were (we adopted the oldest child in that group as well although sarah was only 18 months). everyone across the board was struggling to some degree BUT nobody had eluded to any difficulties whatsoever. i will be honest on this blog. because being real is the right thing to do. i pray i glorify God in every real thing i write. He created all these emotions and i believe He understands our struggles, our joys, our emotions. after all He allowed them and/or made them. He is where my strength comes from. i love blogs that include love stories from the first moment with their child. that gives me great joy! but i also love the blog stories of those, like me, who are muddling their way through. somewhere i read that adopting children from ages 2-5 are probably overall the most challenging. they have some life experiences, good or bad, and they don't have the intellectual capacity to understand what is happening. this comes out and it is directed at you. the phoebster and i now have a little routine down... when a meltdown starts, i take her hand and we go to the family room by ourselves. no need to subject everyone else :) and i sit there with my fingers in my ears until it subsides. and i hum 'amazing grace'. i think it was wendy maybe who left me a blog post when we were in vietnam and suggested that i sing church hymns. i also hum this to her as she falls asleep at night. back to the tantrums... i tell her, through words and actions, that as soon as she stops, we can go back out. or if she will say 'up', i will carry her out. please understand, she is very aware of what she is doing wrong, and what the desired behavior is. no language barrier on that one. she is stubborn. i know because stubborn #1 has met stubborn #2 :)

this is a season of upheaval for both phoebe and our family. well, duh? how brilliant was that statement? i guess what i am saying is that while i knew it was coming, i wasn't really prepared... because you can't be. i am trusting in God's Word that He will accomplish His purpose for all of us through this journey He deliberately led us to. so 'do not lose heart' will be my verse for today and the days ahead. thank you for your patience in her, and me, and i have hope that as i look back at these posts, Lord willing, in the months ahead i will once again see His faithfulness and again, ask myself 'what was the big deal?" just as, to a small extent, it was with the trip's homesickness. His faithfulness will be there, absolutely no doubt. i hope i am wise enough to recognize it.

on to this week's primary business -- dental appointments. first, the second dentist, partner to the first who actually does the surgery, seems to be incredible! he hit it off with phoebe and she let him look at every tooth. every last rotted one :(

she has 20 baby teeth. 14 are bad. 5 will be extracted (her four front teeth plus the bottom left molar which is bascially a black hole), 3 crowns, 6 fillings. all done at one time in the hospital. now we are waiting to get her added to our dental and medical insurance and getting the procedures pre-approved. thankfully, we have had very, very little exposure to pre-approvals and insurance junk, so i am happy this is all new to us :) he wants to schedule it immediately to reduce the chance of infection.

and to end on a fun note -- she loved the snow. all 13 inches of it. from the tropics to the tundra (not really, but close :)

thanks for listening. thanks for not judging. thanks for praying. just thanks.

when i am weak, He is strong. xoxoxo, me :)