roller coaster of a ride

please excuse the randomness of this post in advance! my thoughts are everywhere. so, so, so good to be home. of course, now i think....what was the big deal about being away? my homesickness seems blown out of proportion now that i am back home. everything here is just the way i left it....except for a new child :) but i do know that my heart ached in a deep, profound way. and now it is gone.

flights home... pretty uneventful. long, as to be expected. lots and lots of time to walk in the airports. and thomas and i, per martha's discovery, made a really cool korean screen at the airport there. it passed away 30 minutes and we left with a beautiful keepsake and the memory of phoebe and thomas working beautifully together. phoebe did great until the very end of the very long flight from seoul to chicago. it was ugly ugly and i just had to plaster a fake smile on my face so people wouldn't see me holding her legs together to keep her from kicking. taking her shoes off and removing the magazines from the seat pocket didn't do anything to keep her under control :)

we came home to an incredible group of family and friends! i was blown away. so many expected, and unexpected faces. thank you to each of you who made the effort to etch the sight in my mind forever. the welcome home poster. the huge balloon for phoebe. the flowers. the starbucks. the smiles. it meant more than i would ever be able to express in words. knowing that people you love carved time out and went through the hassle of airport parking and waiting, just for us, was an amazing display of love.

when we got home, it was picture perfect to see her face 'understand' what all the pictures had been about. she walked into her room and pointed at exactly the two pictures that had been in her photo album. her care bear couch loaded with care bears and her and sarah's beds. greg and i sat in the loft and they played and played and played. she was all smiles. it was like she had been here forever. greg starting using his 'lonely planet' vietnamese on his iphone and 'talking' to her. she literally lit up! this big guy ain't so bad. he can talk my language. it was an instant hit and endeared him to her forever. she loves her daddy! this is an incredible answer to prayer. it tooks years for sarah to come around to him. phoebe has him wrapped already.

okay, so here is where we are at --- a good portion of the time, she is playing, laughing, being amazing. but a portion of the time (which seems like the majority when she is screaming :) she is not happy. i can't define it as mad or sad. just not happy :) okay, i realize her life has been turned upside down, but it seems like something else. maybe the mouth, teeth situation?

in the pictures we had received of her throughout the last year, her mouth and cheeks looked swollen in several of them. her medical report last february (about a month after she had been left at the orphanage gate), listed 'dental caries' as her only health issue. so, it has been a full year with nothing done to improve her mouth. her teeth are a mess. and i mean a mess. her four front teeth are nothing but little points. her top and bottom back teeth have little enamel and are basically large black pockets/holes. greg had been watching her behavior since we got home. he is 100% convinced she is in wicked pain. he thinks that if she has an abscess (es), he doesn't know how she is happy for even a second. he has had 7 implants done because of dental issues. he said the pain compares to nothing else. friends who have had kidney stones maybe can relate : )? anyway, he said when you have dental pain, it comes in waves. intense waves. and her behavior definitely comes in intense waves. while we were in vietnam, i've been trying to pinpoint possible triggers. suitcases? leaving hotel room? saying bye-bye? going to bed? it is random at best.

so last night, we decided we have to do something for her...now. greg has been heartsick that if it is her mouth and we are thinking she is just being a poop :) he would never forgive himself. the crying jags take a toll on everyone. sarah even said 'mom, we don't have to get an abigail if you don't want' (she is convinced there is another little girl out there for this family and her name is abigail. she has been praying for her for almost a year. she has even explained that our car and dinner table have room exactly for her...)

so we look up pediatric dentists in metlife dental, after hours of course. about 9 pm, we called the answering service of one of them. he called back and was amazing. i explained to him about her behavior and the condition of her mouth. he immediately called in tylenol with codeine for the pain and antibiotics. he said not one speck of sugar can go into her mouth. he wants to see her at 9 am monday morning after the antibiotics have had a chance to get into her system. he said her mouth is 'a bomb waiting to go off'. we didn't know if he would do anything because she isn't his patient. yet. he was emphathetic, knowledgeable, and concerned. thank you Lord. we needed that. so about midnight (long CVS story :), she took her first doses. i wish i could post pictures of her mouth because then you could see for yourself what decay can do. even the one-year old babies have significant decay. our best guess is that they were given rice water, instead of formula and semi-nutritious food, to fill them up which would explain the malnutrition and failure to thrive label that most of them were given at the western clinics there. they don't brush and the starches eventually just eat the teeth away. when we went to the US embassy for our last paperwork - the US visa on their vietnamese passports -- the official there told one of the moms that 'our kids should not be in the condition they are in. something is not right.' we couldn't agree more. many of the kids we saw at the hotel who were being adopted appeared to be in relatively good physical shape. but not any of the kids from this orphanage.

she is soooo dang sweet most of the time, that you don't know whether to pray that her mouth is the source of her 'issues' or she is really, really grieving/freaking about the change.

she has done really well with the time change. thomas and i have too. i did get up at 4:45 this morning which has actually been a blessing to have a quiet house all to myself for almost three hours. i will just have to take a nap later :)

thank you again for your prayers, your love, your concern. there have been so many people that i am indebted too. greg's office has been amazing. meals, cards, prayer team. church folks and friends cleaning the house, helping with the kids, coming to the airport, praying. bloggy friends sending advice and support.

i think i will post for a bit longer. i like the comments posted :) it makes me feel like i am in this with many others. it helps me feel connected to a group of like-minded people who i love and who love me...and more importantly, love the Lord who allowed all the joys and trials to come this way and knew in advance exactly how this would play out.

adoption is a journey unlike no other. if God is working on your heart to step out in faith, please heed His calling.

p.s. thanks suzanne for your posts and prayers :)
p.s.s. welcome home tory, jeannine, and alyssa (the peanut)
p.s.s.s. thanks carol porter for capturing every minute of our homecoming.

in the HOME stretch, Lord willing...

all clean and almost ready to put on a new outfit. but she couldn't wait to put the new shoes on :) it feels very, very good to be packing up. it is like the last year, 4 months is finally coming to a close... and also a beginning.

all the families are ready to get back to America. our land is beautiful and we all miss it badly. i cannot wait for wide open spaces and fresh air. and yes, even the cold :)

the van should be here to pick us up at 8 pm hanoi time, 8 am weds. at home. it will be a long 30-something hours with two kids in tow, and i can't wait! but still prayer is very appreciated.

phoebe is doing considerably better. she had one big melt down a little bit ago, as we started organizing our bags, backpacks, etc. but that was her first one in two days. she has been quite the trooper. i love her sooo much. i know once we are back home new trials will surface. she can be quite rude to people, she just ignores them and walks over to me. and that is perfect from an attachment vantage point. we'll work on social etiquette next month :)

my guess is that the kids her age at the orphanage just ran with reckless abandon. for those of you who have had kids this age, you know exactly how challenging it is. add to that a new mom, a new language, new environment, new everything and it is amazing she is doing this well. she likes me very much which is so incredibly humbling. i know for sure that God put this in her heart. i know you will be patient with her and encourage me to do the same. we are in this for the long haul, not the short term :)

i am grateful that none of us have been sick and we have slept well. i am grateful to greg, ben, sam, and sarah for their support and love from 8,000 miles away. i am grateful for family and friends who have kept us in prayer. i am grateful to martha for coming along. i can't imagine having come this far alone. i am grateful to Jesus for adopting me into His Kingdom.

it will be soo good to get home :)

the day in pictures

first, major praise! our travel guy was able to get our tickets changed from friday night to wednesday night!!!! thank you very, very much for lifting this request to God Almighty! this was huge of ginormous proportion. the insanity of the 40-minute/$6 cab ride looking for korean airlines was worth it!

i've met my match and her name is phoebe! she is one tough, strong-willed child. she is processing so much but she is able to be as stubborn as they come in spite of it. little does she know, but i get daily practice with ben and sarah, so i've got my skills honed and in fine form! we got practice several times today.... whining and crying will not get her picked up. she is already understanding that when she stops, she gets what she wants. i promise i am not mean (actually, i sorta am...), but she would trample all over me and everyone else if i let her. she is learning the boundaries quickly. she ain't stupid, actually quite the opposite. the great part is that she loves all over me and doesn't hold a grudge when i don't give in to her. we are getting to be a good team... most of the time :) i know the photo album she received, and the hundreds of prayers, have made all the difference. God clearly put it in her heart. i'm sure more meltdowns are to come, but they can't be worse than saturdays. did i just say that? how stupid am i.....

proof that martha has not been taken hostage yet....
the famous hanoi water puppet show....

the water puppet 'band'. i'd never seen several of the instruments.

jerry showed up at the water puppet show too. looks like my lipstick after a long day :)

a close-up for karen and her co-workers, toby, and jeff....

unless you've been here, there are no words to describe the traffic and sounds. and yet it works. i have no idea how, but it does. we have not seen one accident. they seem to have a protective invisible force around them. and the horns never stop. and yet, it is like the vehicles are 'talking' with one another. they have their own language. nothing mean and angry about it at all, very unlike Americans when we honk. no road rage. we've seen 4 on a motorbike, and some carrying hundreds of eggs, 5 foot porcelain vases, chickens in cages, and large sony TVs.

thomas being goofy in his new hat (ben, sam, and chase -- be surprised when you get yours :)

a styrofoam rose girl named the phoebster. tomorrow, Lord willing, we get her US visa issued and we are done with paperwork. what a relief. if you would, please pray there are no glitches. most of the other families we traveled with get to hanoi tomorrow. it will be great to see them again. thank you again for traveling with me thus far, in your thoughts and in your prayers.

xoxoxoxo, jan :)

can't thank you enough...

...for all the incredibly helpful comments. every single one was a treasure to me. thank you for helping me each of you. i've read them over and over. and britt, so interesting you said that about missionaries. we just got back from breakfast and i told martha i know now to a tiny small degree how a missionary must feel. i have a new appreciation for what cathy experienced in haiti. i feel bad even thinking this compares at all, but i do have a little taste of the strongest longing of the heart and not being able to have it. i told martha even if my whole family were here, it would be very hard because this is not home. but God's grace is sufficient. period. thank you Lord for understanding my heart and loving me in spite of it. You deserve so much better.

phoebe and i sat at breakfast a little longer and phoebe handed the waitress a tip and a tract. she stood there and read it. i told her it was all true. she smiled and thanked me very much....

so again, thank you so much for getting me through a rough spot. i knew i could count on you guys.

xoxoxo, jan (matthew 11:28)

what should i title this post....?

i should be grateful, and happy, and instead i am sad, and so homesick it hurts. i hate it that i am feeling this way. i have given myself a pep talk about 1,000 times today and it isn't working. i am trying very hard to see all the good. ashamedly, my faith feels very small right now. if though faintest in the day of adversity, thy strength is small. yip, pretty much sums me up right now. i hate whining and that is what i am doing.

yesterday was a day. one of the longest 24 hours ever. phoebe had two complete and total meltdowns at the hotel. it was scary, sad, frustrating, and many other adjectives! i have no idea what triggered them. it is very scary being in a hotel where you are paranoid that someone could come knocking on your door asking questions about what is going on. i was a mess. one of the other moms came down and helped pull me back together. i know she will be fine; she is just experiencing so many emotions. and she wasn't mad at me afterward. i've read other blogs of parents having gone through similar. but nothing can prepare you. i wish i knew what was going on in her head. i was afraid she would have a meltdown packing everything up, but she was ready to go. she took her backpack and helped pull a suitcase. we had to wait in line at the airport for 2 hours and 45 minutes and she was incredible. and then we get to the counter and were told there were no seats left even though we had tickets. our coordinator stayed with thomas, phoebe, and me while martha went ahead as they already taken her luggage. i was at an emotional low to say the least. she was flawless on the airplane.

hanoi is very smoggy, old, dirty, and depressing which makes it harder to pull myself up by the boot straps. i am so sorry for being this pathetic. greg called last night and said he remembered in china being very low at this stage of the process. i am praying continually that a flight will open up for us to leave tuesday or wednesday instead of friday. my mom used to tell me 'don't wish your days away' and that is what i find myself doing....

phoebe has only had one pretty minor 'event' today :) she quickly came around and that has been great. nothing like this happened the first 3 or 4 days so i was caught off guard.

this hotel is like a mini apartment so we can spread out. and it has a playroom on the fifth floor. we've spent hours there. we bought balloons and played 'keep the balloon in the air' for hours. my little neat-nik plays for short periods and then she must clean up. it has a big ball pit and the balls are everywhere (there are three small rooms comprising the play area). she gets a basket and just picks the balls up and puts them back even though the other kids keep throwing the balls everywhere. she definitely needs to lighten up. she has been sitting on my lap the whole time i've been typing and is just jabbering away and moving the mouse around.

martha brought 'memory matching' cards and she has found the matches over and over and over.

thomas has been a Godsend. i am very grateful to have him to hold at night.

the little shop next door also makes fresh carrot juice :)

thank you for letting me get some emotion out. it stinks being a big weiny. :) xoxoxo, jan

p.s. to smurf -- i can't wait....

last post from HCMC!

i have so many things to thank Jesus for. an enormous amount of your prayers have been answered. she seems to have attached very well at this point. all of us have had good health here. nothing has been lost or stolen. my blog/email/webcam/camera have been flawless (and free :) thank you smurf and rob cadick! and all the help at home was been absolutely incredible.

thank you so much for your prayers, your comments. everyday i can't wait to check in. i talked with home a couple of hours ago and greg suggested i give her some advil for her mouth. having had many dental issues, he knows how even a little hole in a tooth can hurt tremendously. and her mouth has too many holes to begin to count. she is very happy right now, talking nonstop, into everything! thank you honey for your suggestion. worked like a charm and i feel bad for not thinking of it myself....

our bags are pretty much packed and we leave here in about 3 hours for hanoi. will be interesting to see how this plane flight goes and our leaving the hotel. we've still had a couple of freakazoid moments when we leave the room. but they are random, and i haven't figured out any pattern, or if there is even one.

a vietnam blog wouldn't be complete without pictures of the electrical wires and motor bikes. so to keep the tradition going, i've included some :) kim, we survived crossing the streets in HCMC!

please continue to pray for safety here and at home, for her to keep loving me even when she is told 'no', for greg to enjoy his 2-week vacation :) and for a flight out of here earlier than friday. right now, there are no flights available and we are done with everything on weds. i would LOVE to get home early, if that is the Lord's will.

thank you again for all the things that each of you have done to help make this journey possible. it is all the little things that add up -- the babysitting, the meals, the daily prayer meeting in the trimedx chapel, the blog comments that encourage me so much, and on and on and on. Lord willing, the next post will be from north vietnam!

p.s. to deb -- xoxoxoxo

major meltdown :( carrot juice:)

better late than never (we leave HCMC tomorrow to fly to hanoi)... today we were in the shopping area next to the hotel. stopped in the coffee shop there (i've been faithful to a different one on the other side of the hotel...so much so that the girl gave me a key fob :) anyway, we sat down and i saw on the menu "fresh carrot juice"!!! so you can bet i will be back tomorrow. amy, this picture is for you! a latte and a carrot juice and mango smoothie for thomas and phoebe.... the perfect combination.
okay, had a 'what was i thinking'? event a little bit ago. i was set to go for a massage. no big deal, right? not. i know, how stupid to think she would just wave bye-bye and smile while i left.... she freaked! plus she was extremely tired (do i sound like a mom or what trying to semi-justify...) i held her until she finally settled down and fell asleep. there was no way i was going to sneak out and chance her waking up and not finding me here. guess i'll just have to stay stressed... :)

these types of displays are everywhere!

thanks again so much for all of you who are posting comments. that is just plain great.

xoxoxo, jan :)

p.s. to ben -- 4 or 5 people have called thomas 'harry potter' :)

update: alyssa is here!!!

random photos of the last two days... her personality is precious! and like we thought, her teeth are very messed up. numerous cavities. she will probably push greg out of first place for most time spent in the dentist chair :)

organizing her crayons. again. :)

on the sidewalk out front. lots of decorations everywhere for the upcoming TET holiday.

a little glimpse of the attitude :)

skipping and hopping on one foot while waiting for her 'medical' exam.

praising God from the other side of the world! alyssa was allowed to be taken from the orphanage and her parents are over the moon! she weighs 9.5 lbs. at 1 year and although very little, she seems alert and inquisitive. they took her straight to the western clinic and she checked okay! some of the moms of babies are thinking that the babies have been fed rice water and not formula which could explain the lack of body weight. all the babies weigh between 9.5 and 13 lbs. and they are all right at one year old... i am grateful that God allowed these 10 kids to come to America because they were baring surviving, let alone thriving. most of the families are dealing with varying levels of intestinal parasites, pneumonia, ruptured eardrum, and EXTREME scabies....

phoebe is doing amazing still! she seems to like me....alot! she kisses both cheeks (no lips :) and last night i had tears from being homesick and she wiped my tears. she did not like seeing me sad. she seems to be happy, except for when it is time to leave. that is an awesome answer to honestly hundreds of prayers by me and you. she wraps her arms around me in bed. when i tell her to say hi to someone she says 'say hi'. and she throws trash out the hotel door. picks up trash, goes and opens the door, throws it out, shuts the door. she has done that at two other places we have been at...taken off, and she is throwing her trash on the sidewalk. another behavior we'll work on later :) she is still very organized! she lines her things on her little desk area. puts crayons away methodically, puts her hair paraphanelia in piles by type, folds her blanket and anything else she sees that needs folded. martha already has dibs on her if it doesn't work out with us :)

thank you so very much for all the prayers. to know friends are following along with us is so cool. it helps me feel connected to my little corner of the world. and thanks to all of you who have taken the time to also post comments! as many others have said, it is a highlight of my day! thank you from the bottom of my heart. i know it is cold and snowy at home....it is hot here so we will try and bring so of that home :)

.... xoxoxoxo

fervent prayer warriors needed now

i am going to be brief in my remarks on purpose. the baby i talked about earlier in the week who was hospitalized (actually we aren't sure she ever was) ...the family is on their way right now to the orphanage for the first time (it is almost 2 pm weds. here, so middle of the night in the US). the baby is VERY ill. she weighs 8 1/2 lbs. and is one year old. all the families insisted that they be allowed to see her NOW. the orphanage has finally agreed. the family is trying to prepare themselves for what she will look like. they are hopeful they will feel they can take her, and that the orphanage will allow it, to a western clinic here in HCMC.

after all we have been through with this adoption, this is heartbreaking beyond words. the parents have been so gracious in being excited for the rest of the families. if you are reading this first thing weds. morning, i beg you to get on your knees in front of God Almighty and pray for His presence with their decision.

i'll update soon as we have news.

p.s. the phoebster is already starting to test what boundaries she can get away with! it didn't take her long to get comfortable enough to be a little poop :)

...worth a thousand words...

the orphanage directed called just minutes before we arrived. phoebe was at the gate waving as we pulled in. everyone recognized her. she ran after the van. it was absolutely priceless.

our first hug. the nanny forced her on me practically but she warmed up quickly (painting her fingernails helped :)

making it official...

the giving and receiving ceremony

her room. it was very small and very sad.

all the kids were zonked most of the 2.5 hour drive back.

hair bows bigger than the hair!

everything still going so very good. she feeds me, tells me she loves me, hugs and kisses.

need advice from some of you who have 'been there, done that.' this morning, as we left to go to the passport office, we were waiting in front of the hotel. everything was fine until the van pulled up. a van that looked just like the one we took to the orphanage. she started weeping and pulling me back to the hotel. it was very sad. and then a little later, it happened again when the van came to pick us up at immigration. and then we left to go for a walk and she lost it crying. didn't want to leave the hotel room. so afraid of going back to the orphanage. and tomorrow morning, we are to go do the medicals and i'm sure it will happen again.

so -- do we just quickly push through it and let her see over time that she isn't leaving me or stay in the room as much as we can? thoughts?

xoxoxo, jan :)

the PERFECT day!!!

where do i begin? every prayer said for phoebe to have a peace and joy was answered. i am still in disbelief that God would handpick her for us. please forgive if this post is random....my brain is swimming from emotion and fatigue :) we pulled into the orphanage and phoebe ran to the van. she knew exactly what was going on. the nanny who cared for her loved her very much! the whole thing was surreal. after looking at only pictures for 8 months, it was wild to be seeing her for real!!! and she isn't super tall like we thought -- probably about a foot shorter than sarah.

phoebe is AMAZING! i honestly can't tell you what a relief i feel tonite. the anticipation was over the top. so much to say, but i am soo, soo tired. all of you are going to fall in love with her. and i think she is a neat-nik!!! woo-hoo! i needed one of those! honestly, you would laugh if you could see her fold things -- her sweater, napkins at dinner, her blanket. matches the corners up perfectly, shakes it out, and then folds over, again matching corner to corner. and she may be left-handed.

she smiles, laughs, kisses me, says mama and brother. thank you Lord for bringing us to her. You did really good once again.

pictures tomorrow. there is no stinking way my brain could pull that one off right now.

up early again for passports. we get to leave 2 days early, Lord willing. hi from martha and thomas!

much love and gratitude, me :)

good morning vietnam!!!

thanking the Lord, we made it! and so did our luggage! it was a LONG, uneventful day. tiring as to be expected. but no glitches! and for that, i am grateful. we traveled with a husband and wife from plainfield whose baby is at phoebe's orphanage also. their little girl, she just turned one, was hospitalized for high fever and seizures. they got an email right before we left. they will find out today what the situation is. please pray. it is so ironic as one of our big campaigns throughout this ordeal was 'every day matters in the life of an orphan.' the process takes so long, even in normal circumstances, and ours lasted even longer than that.... pray she is well enough to travel home. the parents are anxious but trusting the Lord to have His perfect will.

we just had a nice western breakfast with good omelettes and fresh fruit. hotel is different... today we hope to go to a large shopping area (to make martha happy :) and just anticipate tomorrow! our driver for tomorrow said phoebe is tall. cannot hardly wait to meet her. first impressions are important, please pray hers is favorable.

thomas is watching cartoons and it is in english. bonus!

thanks so much to everyone who has prayed and will pray. the fact that we are here and had no travel issues is an answer to them.

i miss everyone at home already. i just want to grab this girl and come back home! last night at the airport was insane! things have already started up for the lunar new year. people everywhere! someone said it is like black friday at home on steroids.....

next post, Lord willing, will have gotcha days photos!

love in Jesus, jan :)

the trial regarding the trial

i am documenting this story for posterity's sake. i want to remember it and i want phoebe to know some of the details surrounding her adoption. if i don't get it on paper now, my memory will fade and it will be lost for her.

about two minutes ago, we received our 1600 preapproval from US immigration!!! for those who have adopted, you know what that means -- everything! we officially now can travel (like in about 55 hours). this is THE email we have waited for since july 17th to be exact. all through august and september, the first thing i did in the morning was look to see if THE email had arrived during the night. nope, not yet. counting the days. watching other blogs to see their approval date compared to their filing date. ours should be coming anyday. but it didn't.

i think it was september 19th, we received notification that our case, along with 8 other families, were on 'hold'. huh? why? and what unfolded turned out to be the longest, most time-consuming, emotionally-investing, heart-wrenching project of my life to date -- get this girl home. unless you have walked a similar path, i could never begin to fully explain what transpired over the next 3 1/2 months. to smoosh it into a sentence or two, here is what i'd say -- there was a man who was a security guard at the orphanage. he had been arrested back in april for 'buying' a baby. because he was the guard when our kids were abandoned, the vietnamese national police were asked by the US government to investigate his possible involvement in 'buying' any of our kids. it would take me all night to explain the volume of emails, correspondence, and phone calls that took place to ambassadors, senators, representatives, staffers, and other government officials -- and since i just figured out i have to be out the door in 55 hours, i won't take the time. it is pretty boring stuff anyway :)

and then the trial of the security guard happens on december 12th finally and he is found innocent of any wrongdoing, other than the one child in april, which it looks like he did for humanitarian reasons. very stupid what he did, but his motive wasn't. so after dec. 12th, we gave our government the documentation of the trial they said they needed to approve our cases. but they didn't. december 19th was a particularly emotionally volatile day between all involved parties. the boys had their choir performance that night and afterward we went to eat chinese with friends and a bunch of foreign exchange students. i sat by one of my very bestest friends ever and basically unloaded. i was so tired. so weary of battling a battle that seemed impossible to win. strength gone. faith low. just couldn't see why it had to be so hard. what lesson, what purpose was it serving? i just wasn't getting it....

...and then it was late when we got home. i checked email after everyone was in bed and there was the reason why. the reason why i had to have this trial in my life that revolved around this security guard's trial. one of the people in our little group had just emailed me. i had prayed for our situation, and her son in particular, on the phone one day about two months prior. she was now writing to tell me that my faith through this ordeal had changed her life. what? she felt a peace after that prayer that she hadn't felt before. she thanked me for sharing my relationship with God so freely. her eyes had been opened to my spirituality. and so on the day where i was ready to hang in up, distance myself for awhile from the impossible task at hand, God shows me what i needed to know. i grabbed hold of that email and cried. i told her my testimony. it isn't pretty. i explained how no other person or religion could have done what Jesus did. He changed my life. He protected me for all the years i gave Him no thought. and now He showed Himself once again at the exact hour i needed it. and to think that i had wondered, does He care that this is going on? is He in it with me? obviously He was, and is. thank you Lord for your absolute perfect ways. You amaze me. continually.

f.e.a.r....forgetting everything's all right

it is so exciting, and fun, and scary to be traveling to vietnam to meet my little girl. a good friend, the best massage therapist in the entire world, gave me that acronym for fear this morning. i LOVED it! recently, i had been talking to many well-meaning people, about the upcoming adoption. they were asking lots of questions that i realized were evoking many anxiety type emotions and physical reactions in me. i don't think i've ever had that happen before. the more conversations i had, the more incapable i felt. how will you 'communicate' with her? what if she doesn't want to leave the orphanage with you? not questions that i hadn't thought of, for sure; but i was letting myself see this from the wrong perspective. will it be hard? most likely. but i have to keep bringing myself back to the reason why we are doing this. HIM. that's it. i think HE would do it. i think it pleases HIM. i've experienced a great peace until i let myself get caught up in how it seems to the world. why would you put yourself in this position at your age? i was 'forgetting everything's all right.' HE is going with me. HE already knows the joys and trials we will encounter. that gives me a huge amount of comfort. i am simply following where HE has led us. pretty cool to be walking in the footsteps of JESUS.

p.s. sam and i were at walmart today in the produce section (after having covered every other square foot of the store...). i thought i heard someone say my first and last name. i turned around but didn't see anyone i knew. and this cute couple said 'are you ......". he said, hey it's tory and we are going to vietnam with you!!!! i honestly have emailed with him many hundreds of times over the last five months, and talked with him dozens. the whole group exchanged pictures once and his wife thought she recognized me. so instead of meeting him at 5 am in the airport this friday, we met amidst the fruit.

p.s.s. i have three blog followers! i really need to get a life because that makes me smile.

falling into place...

...confirmation from the Department of State that everything is still a go for approval on the 7th, photo prayer card made, fedex delivered airline tickets, email from agency that the G&Rs are being set for the week of the 12th, and started reading a book (was supposed to be for the plane....!) on the sin of worry, anxiety, and doubt. just the reminder i needed to trust, have faith, and enjoy the journey. i won't travel this exact path again. Lord willing, one week from today....

adoption

i thought and thought about the title for this blog, the blog that will carry us to and through Vietnam. '7 smurfs, 1 Savior'. maybe. 'our journey to phoebe'. simple. and then i came to this one. #304 in our hymnal. it became a favorite at church when we went to china for sarah. it has always been a special song because of its meaning -- adopted into His kingdom and adopted into our little family. so 'i'm adopted, hallelujah' it is....

today begins a new year! 2009! and it has been good, all 16 hours of it! we had a new year's brunch at church today and the message was -- "2009 is going to be a great year. how does the pastor know this? because to those who have accepted the call, He works everything for our good and whatever comes our way, He allowed it in order for us to become more like Jesus...and if He is for us, who can be against us?" that is the message i am carrying to vietnam as i meet my new daughter!!!

Lord willing, we leave friday, january 9th. the hope is that martha, thomas, and i won't be in survival mode and we will be able to blog daily with pictures and prayer requests.

praise be to God for this journey. my goal is to enjoy the ride! i thank my husband, my kids, my family, and my church family for their support, love, and prayers. not much longer, phoeb.

for the fam....

this is an extra special place for my husband and kids at home to write me love notes while we are gone. xoxoxo. :)